Taming the Cow, Seducing the Demon
by LVOLEY
Summary: Hozuki wants a new way to torture Hakutaku. His solution: seduction. (hoohaku/hakuoni) (crack/romance/mild-lime)


_Taming the Cow, Seducing the Demon_ (unedited)

**Pairing: HooHaku/HakuOni**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hozuki no Reitesu!**

* * *

Honestly, Hakutaku didn't actually know how the demon ended up snooping in his bedroom.

Hakutaku had one of those days where he would just sit back and relax. Shangri-La was a beautiful place, and its gentle atmosphere often lulled the Chinese man to sleep. Of course, Momotaro was a keen worker, but Hakutaku had grown accustomed to the clatter of pots and vials in the afternoon.

So when a certain black-haired demon appeared at the doorway of his bedroom, Hakutaku wondered if he was a lucky beast at all.

"Hey, don't touch that!" The celestial beast slapped Hozuki's hand from touching one of the ornaments on his cabinet. "Really, don't you know how to behave in other people's sanctums?"

Hokuzi sneered. "I hardly think your bedroom is that holy, Hakabuta. For instance, why is there lingerie hanging from your bedpost?"

"Ooh~ Daji-chan left me a present—OW!" Pained, Hakutaku clutched his head after Hozuki hit him. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR, GHIBLI FREAK?!"

"Retribution," was all the demon said, and he didn't elaborate. He was the epitome of levelheadedness, and it pissed the Chinese man to no extent.

"You don't have to hit me!" Hakutaku jabbed an accusatory finger in his direction. "Why are you even here? Don't you have some errands to take care of?"

"The Great King Enma insisted I'd been working too hard and that I needed a break. Mustard is currently filling in for my duties. All of that is preposterous," Hozuki added, his frown deepening, "I'm perfectly capable of working everyday without rest. It's why I am the Great King's chief-of-staff. However, since he wouldn't take no for an answer, I decided to spend my spare time annoying you."

"You're such a workaholic," Hakutaku glowered, crossing his arms.

"And you are an alcoholic," Hozuki countered, eyes dangerously narrowing.

There was a pause.

"Poker-faced sadist!"

"Tempestuous sinner!"

"Rhino-horned bastard!"

"Dim-witted incubus!"

"Soul-sucking hellspawn!—wait—AARGH!" The celestial beast stamped his foot, angry that he lost to the demon for the umpteenth time.

Hozuki raised his chin up in arrogance. "You have lost, Hakubuta. Admit defeat."

"Never! Just go away!" And with that, Hakutaku began rearranging the ornaments the other man had shuffled. Of course, he knew that Hozuki wouldn't listen to him, but Hakutaku was unnerved from the dark aura emanating behind him. "Hey Ghibli freak, stop glaring at me. It's annoyi—"

"How do you do it?"

Hakutaku blinked. "Do what?"

"Seduce someone."

The celestial beast replayed the words in his head to make sure that he heard him right. "Wait—what are you up to?!"

"Nothing," Hozuki insisted. "I'm just curious as to how people become vulnerable once they're seduced. Especially women. I can never understand them."

"Maybe because you won't _try_ to understand them," Hakutaku scowled, the faintest sliver of confusion on his face. He didn't understand what brought on the topic, let alone why the demon would want to talk about it! Unless... "Oho, are you saying you want to try and seduce a woman~_mon_?"

"Not exactly," Hozuki muttered. He then looked up at the Chinese man with something... _unreadable_ in his eyes. "Hakubuta, may I ask you something?"

"If it's advice you want me to give, it'll cost you~_mon_."

Something in his voice irritated Hozuki. "I do not _need_ advice. In fact, I might be on par with you."

"On par? With me? In _seducing_?!" Hakutaku guffawed. "Seduction is an art you learn through experience, something you _don't_ have."

"Ah, but I do have information on my target."

"And who would that be~?" Hakutaku had a playful smirk on his face, but it quickly disappeared when Hozuki grabbed him by the shoulders and pinned him to the wall. "Hey!" he yelled, but he recoiled once he saw how _close_ the other man's face was. Their noses were almost touching, for Kami's sake!

"You."

Hakutaku froze, feeling the demon's warm breath against his lips. He squeaked. "W–What?"

"You're my target," the other clarified. "I know that you must never provoke a celestial cow for it will get aggressive, but you can always tame the cow with humility. The celestial cow's natural habitat is its flea-ridden bedroom, and you must not anger it while in close proximity—"

A vein popped on Hakutaku's forehead, pink adorning his cheeks. "Don't talk about me like I'm some species of Pokemon! And you can't seduce me! Are you insane?!"

Hozuki scowled, but nodded. "Understandable. Can I propose a bet instead?"

"HELL NO!" But the Japanese man had him cornered, so he really had no choice.

"If I seduce you in under sixty seconds, you will admit that I am the best out of the two of us."

That... didn't sound so bad. Mainly because Hakutaku was sure he would win. "Fine," he agreed, surprising the demon, "but if I seduce you, you have to eat a cauldron of chili-infused soup."

"Deal." And Hakutaku paled just this once, because holy hell, Hozuki was _leering_. "Shall we begin?"

Suddenly, the demon hauled Hakutaku onto his shoulder before dumping the Chinese man on his bed. Hakutaku yelped. "What the hell, Ghibli frea—!"

He stuttered when Hozuki straddled him, his face _very close_ to Hakutaku's. The demon snorted. "What? Is it the close proximity?" Hozuki closed the gap even more. "I didn't think you would be stupefied this early, Hakubuta."

But those words fell on deaf ears because _shit!_—Hakutaku couldn't believe that he was _so close_! He wanted to push him off so badly, but he remembered the bet conditions. There was no way he'd admit defeat! "_My turn_."

Hakutaku poked his knee in between Hozuki's legs, smirking when the latter gasped. "If I remember correctly, there were no boundaries," the Chinese man cackled as Hozuki dropped his head into the crook of the other man's neck. Ignoring him, Hakutaku prodded his crotch with his knee, eliciting a groan from the demon. "Oho, it looks like I won~!"

But he shuddered when Hozuki nuzzled his neck. "Not yet," he said, warm breath tickling Hakutaku's neck. Hakutaku felt something wet afterwards.

"W–What are you doing?!"

"I'm giving you what they call a 'hickey'."

He nearly jumped away. "N–NOT THERE! At least do it somewhere where I can cover it with my clothes!"

"Oh, really?" Hozuki's nose ghosted up the celestial beast's neck, making Hakutaku shudder. "Since there aren't any boundaries... where would you like me to start disrobing you?"

_Crap_. Hakutaku was determined not to lose, so he flipped the demon over to the right and straddled him. Hakutaku ignored the searing blush on his cheeks. He was _definitely_ going to regret this later. Slowly he began grinding on the other man's crotch, and it wiped the nonchalant look on Hozuki's face.

"H_a-a_kubuta," Hozuki began, and Hakutaku noted the slight rasp in his voice—was the demon liking it? (not that Hakutaku wanted him to!)— "I didn't realize you were this evil... I'm pleased."

"Bastard, don't _say that_," the celestial beast growled. For Kami's sake, he was trying to not relish the small pleasure it also brought him. Twenty minutes ago, if someone had told Hakutaku that he would be grinding against another man, let alone the Ghibli freak, he would've laughed his guts out. Even if _Destiny_ said so.

That made him want to stop altogether. And why couldn't he? He had the great demon Hozuki practically squirming under him, all in under sixty seconds! Hakutaku smirked.

"So, should I prepare the soup?"

Bad move. That moment of complacency had him below the demon once more.

"Silly cow. _Other species prey on you, too._" Hozuki's husky voice had the Chinese man stunned. The demon's hands clamped both of Hakutaku's wrists above his head, his whole body pinning him down. The roles had reversed—Hakutaku was trapped, and by the Ghibli freak of all people! "I didn't know that a cow could blush."

Hakutaku widened his eyes and noticed that his cheeks _were_ hot—but when did he ever blush like that?!

"S–Shut up!"

"I'm sorry, did I provoke the celestial cow?" Hozuki's voice was becoming more and more guttural, and it didn't help Hakutaku at all. "Never mind; I can always tame the cow."

_I know that you must never provoke a celestial cow for it will get aggressive, but you can always tame the cow with humility._

Hozuki was gripping his wrists too tight, a true sign of the demon's strength. Hakutaku was about to scold him when he felt warm lips touch his neck.

"_Itadakimasu_," was all Hozuki said before he tucked into his prey.

···-–—–-···

Honestly, Hozuki didn't actually know why he wanted to seduce the cow.

When Enma dismissed him from his duties, Hozuki had been furious. It wasn't because he despised the idea of a break—he'd had plenty over the course of his career (such as the trip he had at Australia). No, Hozuki had simply gotten angry because he was one of the few demons who loved his job. He reveled in punishing sinners or hurting people. So being away from his job, even for one day, aggravated him.

So when he'd been thinking about possible sinners he could torture, only one name came to mind.

He wouldn't admit it to anybody else, but Hozuki loved torturing Hakutaku. Of course, he didn't like it when the other annoyed him. Hakutaku was a fool who never learned his lessons (as evident from the one-night stands he would have)—the complete opposite of Hozuki. However, the demon was fond of the celestial beast's reactions. For one, he liked Hakutaku screaming in protest.

But after centuries of tormenting the Chinese man using the same techniques over and over again, Hozuki was getting bored. Which was why, after playing another round of their _shiritori_ insult game, the demon decided to try something new.

What better way to torture the cow than to have him completely humiliated and dominated by his rival?

"W—What are you doing?!"

Hozuki inwardly chuckled at the splutter. "I'm giving you what they call a 'hickey'."

He felt Hakutaku flinch underneath him. "N–NOT THERE! At least do it somewhere where I can cover it with my clothes!"

"Oh, really?" Hozuki ghosted his nose up the celestial beast's neck—he didn't know why he did, but it made Hakutaku shudder. Smirking, he added, "Since there aren't any boundaries... where would you like me to start disrobing you?"

He felt Hakutaku grip him by the shoulders and push him downwards. Hozuki was chagrined being at the bottom, and he was about to retaliate when he felt the cow straddle him right on his crotch.

Well.

This was interesting.

Hozuki never had a strong libido, but something about Hakutaku's searing cheeks ignited a spark in him. He let the cow do what he wanted, and the result was something he hadn't been expecting. He felt his heart clench, but it wasn't painful. He felt his breath hitch, but he wasn't choking. Most of all, he felt like a wildfire was rampant right where Hakutaku was grinding him.

It was nothing he had ever felt before, and it _scared_ him.

Hell's second-in-command was never scared.

"H_a-a_kubuta," he said, hating the way his voice rasped, "I didn't realize you were this evil... I'm pleased."

"Bastard, don't _say that_." The celestial beast's tone was sharp, much to Hozuki's surprise. It seemed that the cow was mulling over something... probably the situation the two were in. Hozuki couldn't blame him since he hadn't envisioned this either. Hell, he was the one supposed to be in control of the Chinese man, not the other way around!

Then again, it wasn't like he wasn't enjoying himself. Sure, the grinding felt somewhat good, but that didn't compare to the blush on Hakutaku's face.

It meant that the cow was embarrassed, something Hozuki wanted from the start.

But then that blush was ruined from Hakutaku's sudden smirk.

"So, should I prepare the soup?"

The demon scowled. Like hell he would! Hozuki flipped Hakutaku over to the right until the two of them were at the edge of the bed. He hissed in the man's ear;

"Silly cow. _Other species prey on you, too._"

Catching him off-guard had never been more fun. "I didn't know that a cow could blush," Hozuki continued, noting the searing blush on the man's cheeks. Hozuki didn't think someone could blush that much.

"S–Shut up!"

"I'm sorry, did I provoke the celestial cow? Never mind; I can always tame the cow."

What he would do next would be a huge risk. Hakutaku was right when he said the demon didn't have any experience in seduction. Still, Hozuki compared the art of seduction to the art of stalking one's prey. He taunted his prey, fought it, cornered it, and was now about to have it for dinner.

"_Itadakimasu._"

He wasn't going to hold back on the biting.

···-–—–-···

He felt drunk.

Hakutaku wished he was drunk, because then he wouldn't remember what was transpiring now.

All throughout these centuries, he never pegged Hozuki to be the romantic type. He always thought that if the demon _were_ to be in a relationship, it would one full of bites and curses and violent beatings. So when the Japanese man got a head-start in their 'seduction bet', Hakutaku was more than afraid for his life.

But Hozuki eluded his expectations.

He wasn't gentle nor abrasive. In fact, Hozuki _teased_ him, both in a verbal and physical way. Hakutaku hated himself for getting embarrassed. He also hated himself for enjoying the demon being on top or below him.

Right now, he hated being below him.

Hozuki's teeth ran along the creamy expanse of Hakutaku's neck, sucking it, _tasting _it.

Or did he?

Hakutaku bit back a moan. He was _not_ going to give in that easily. But...

His eyes watched the Japanese man sink his fangs into his flesh.

Dammit.

Dammit.

_Dammit._

It was too... _hot_.

Hakutaku pushed him to the right, dragging both of them down to the floor.

···-–—–-···

The cow didn't taste bad. Hozuki was actually enjoying himself until said cow pushed the both of them onto the floor.

Hozuki hissed as his head hit the floor, pain swelling. "Hakubuta, what was the meaning of—"

Hozuki swore that the pleasurable ache in his crotch swelled when he looked at the sight before him.

Hakutaku was straddling him again. The white cloth tied around his hair was close to falling off. A sheen of sweat covered his face, followed by a bashful blush which stretched all the way to his cheeks. He was breathing in ragged puffs, his lips slightly parted, something Hozuki found _very_ alluring.

And those eyes... they were glazed in hunger.

Lowering his face to the demon's, Hozuki was surprised when the celestial beast brushed his lips with his.

No. No, no, no, no.

He was joking, right?

"Hakub—!"

Their lips connected like two magnets. Hozuki felt the man's lips mold into his—and holy hell, it was warm. Soon after, Hakutaku pried open his lips and slipped in his tongue, tilting his head to get the best angle. Hozuki lay groaning as his tongue was caressed by another, sending him into the foreign depths of pleasure. He was digging his fingers into the floor to steady himself, refusing to embrace the other.

How did it end up like this? Them fighting each other for dominance—_that_ he expected. But this... this was intimate. _Kisses_ were intimate.

He was not good with intimate.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Hozuki didn't notice the glare directed at him until after he realized he was free to speak. "I should be asking you that," he answered, hoarsely. "Is this not uncomfortable to you? We, two sworn rivals, are committing an intimate act of love."

Hakutaku merely shrugged. "It's your fault. You suggested the bet in the first place."

"You accepted."

"Well," the celestial beast said, tracing a finger up Hozuki's jawline, "I won since I pretty much seduced you~"

"Not in under sixty seconds."

"I didn't say I had to do it in under sixty seconds."

Hozuki widened his eyes. "Touche. You've gotten smarter, even with a brain the size of a pea."

"Well..." Hakutaku began, taken aback by the semi-compliment, "... you weren't bad at seduction yourself."

There was a pause.

"Amusing cow."

"Wonderful bastard."

"Damnably cute pervert."

"T–Terribly endearing demon."

A small smile bloomed on Hozuki's face. "You lose," he said, ruffling the cow's hair. Hakutaku pouted before resting his head on the demon's chest.

"Eh, you're still having that soup though."

"... Of course."

Soon, they drifted off to sleep. Both of them would never admit the good that came out of that situation.

(Hozuki woke up to find that Daji's underwear had fallen on his face. Hakutaku was having a laughing fit.)

* * *

_shiritori : Japanese word game. Hozuki and Hakutaku play their special 'insult version'_

_itadakimasu : somewhat akin to 'bon appetit'_

**A/N: So... this is the first lime-ish story I've ever written, so... be nice. I actually think that the HooHaku/HakuOni pairing is meant for hilarity and not for intimacy, but that's imo. I still love them both! /squeals**

**Dedicated to all fans of this OTP :3**


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